【Day.113】適応障害と診断された日の1日。

こんにちは!!

towaです☺

今日も遊びに来てくれてありがとう♪

適応障害になって10ヶ月ほど経過しました。

もうすっかりベテランですね。笑

今日は、私が適応障害と診断された日の1日を
振り返ってみようと思います、、

前日の夜

前日は、体調が悪く仕事に行けなかった私。

涙も止まらず…。

もう限界だと悟り、
すぐに受信できる病院を探して予約しました。

初めての心療内科ということもあって、
前日なのにすでに緊張、、

「まさか自分が心療内科にかかるとは。」

ベッドで横になりながら、ぼんやりと
そう思っていたような気がます。

職場への罪悪感。

弱い自分への苛立ち。

やっと楽になれるという安堵の気持ち。

とにかく自分の中のいろんな感情が
ぐるぐるとしていました…。

当日の朝

ついに迎えた当日。

緊張しすぎて吐き気がします笑。

夜はあまり眠れず、貧血も起きそうな予感。

そしてそして、私は生まれつき難聴で
受付の方との会話が難しいので、

相方についてきてもらいます…。

今思えば、これは本当に大正解でした!

安心感が全然違いますし、

私の病院は声が本当に小さいので
呼び出されたことに気づかない私…。

余計にてんやわんやしていました笑。

待合室にて

無事に受付を済ませ、待合室へ。

もう心臓は破裂する寸前、、

院内はすごく静かでした。

かなり人が多かったのですが、
精神病とは思えない人がたくさんいて…。

人は見かけでは判断できないなと思いました。

そわそわしながら順番を待ちます。

診察

呼ばれたので診察室へ。

お医者様から
「今日はどうされましたか?」と一言。

本当は自分からたくさん話すべきなのですが、
気持ちがぐるぐるしすぎてまとまらず、

「仕事が辛く、毎日体調不良になってしまう。
このまま続けることが難しいので休みたい。」

ということだけ話しました。

そのあとは、先生からの質問に答えながら
診察をしていたような気がします。

何が辛いのか。

どんな症状が出るのか。

人間関係はどうなのか。

仕事中はどんな様子なのか。

そんなやりとりを繰り返し、
ついに診断結果がおりました。

「こういった病気の診断は難しいのですが、
お話した限り、適応障害です。」

そのまま、休職するための
診断書をいただきました。

ついに診断がおりてしまった。

私、適応障害だったんだ…。

新卒のころ、精神科の病院で医療事務として
患者様と接していた私。

そんな私が、適応障害になってしまった。

精神病にかかった人に対して
弱いと思ったことはありませんが、
自分が精神病になると話は違う。

なんだか、情けない気持ちで
いっぱいになっていたような気がします。

上司へ連絡

診察が終わったあとは、家に帰って
そのまま課長さんへ連絡しました。

私は放心状態になっていて自分の口で
上手く説明できる自信がなかったので、

とりあえずメールで診断書を添付して
明日から休職する旨を伝えることに。

次の日、課長さんから電話が来ました。

メールを読んだことと、
これから面談をしなければいけないこと、

そして、課長さんなりに一晩じっくり
考えたことを話してくださいました。

社員想いの素敵な課長さんの言葉に
申し訳なさでいっぱいに、、

「本当に自分の選択は
間違っていなかったのか?」

そんな気持ちでした。

この翌日から、私は今のような生活を
始めることになりました。

振り返ってみると、新卒で入社した会社を
退職するときも、今の会社を休職するときも、

私はいつも突然だな、と思います笑。

頑張って、頑張って、ある日突然
“もう無理!”となってしまうんです…。

いつも突然すぎていろんな人に迷惑を
かけているので本当に申し訳ない、、

どうか許しておくれ~泣。

さてっ、そろそろ夜ごはんの準備。

今日は前日の残りが多かったので、
料理がかなりラクラク♪

たくさん食べて、まったりしようと思います!

みなさんも、
ゆっくり身体を休めてくださいね♡

明日もたくさんお話しましょう~☺☺

ではっ、おやすみなさい♬

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