【Day.110】眠れない夜の考え事の話。。/適応障害の日常

こんにちは!

towaです☺☺

今日もまったり作業していきます!

昨日の夜、なかなか眠れなくて
ぐるぐると考えごとをしていました、、

眠れない夜は、どれだけ考えても答えの出ない
ことをひたすら考えてしまうんですよね。

なんだか、思い描いていた自分と今の自分の
ギャップに耐えられなくなってしまって…。

思い返すと、私と仲良くしてくれる人は
年上の方が多いんですよね。

レベルの高い大学出身で、
やりたいことや夢があって、

仕事に対して一生懸命で、
勤務後に自分で勉強するくらい
仕事が大好きな人ばかり。

働く前からそんなキラキラした人達と
関わっていた私は、

自分のそうなれると思っていたし、
そうなるものだと疑っていなかったです。

それなのに、今の自分はこのありさま。

なんでだろう?

なぜ私はみんなと同じように
なれなかったんだろう?

私も、みんなと同じように

「仕事やだな~、でも働かないとお金無いしな~。」
「ほんと毎日だるいわ~」
「あの上司うざすぎ…」

なんて言いながら、華金の夜に
友達と飲み明かしたりしたかったなぁ…。

そんな人生になるはずだったのに、
何を間違えて毎日家で、ある日はベッドで
動けず、吐き気と闘って生きているんだろう。

誰がこんな未来を
思い描いていたんでしょうか、、

もちろん、人それぞれいろんな人生があるので
年上の友達とまったく同じ人生を歩むことは
できないとわかっていますが、

人それぞれ違うからこそ、
自分とみんなを比ベてしまって
自分の人生に劣等感を抱いてしまう、、

普通の人間として、普通の社会人として
生きていきたかったtowaです…泣。

さて、そろそろ帰ります。

今日は、相方と一緒にご近所の
つけ麺屋さんへ。

美味しい~っ!

今まで麺を食べることは少なかったのですが、
相方と付き合ってからは食べる機会が
増えたような気がします。

今日も美味しいごはんが食べられて
とても幸せでした♡

お家に帰ってからは、いつも通り
まったりゲームをして過ごします♪

大好きなテイルズがついに3周目に。

何度やってもダンジョンはわくわくするし、
ボスを倒せるとすごく嬉しい!

テイルズは敵の強さも選べるので、
3周目はハードモードにしてプレイします☺☺

みなさんも、まったりとした夜を
過ごしてくださいね!

明日もまた、たくさんお話しましょう♬

ではっ、また明日~。

おやすみなさい☺

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