こんにちは！
towaです☺☺
さてさて、今日は生理が重い日で
心も体もずーんとしています、、
お昼すぎまでは寝たきり状態だったのですが、
夕方くらいになると少し落ち着いてきたので
ちょっとだけ外に出ようかな♬
気分が乗らない日は大好きなスタバへ♡
無理のない程度でまったり作業を
していこうと思います！
とりあえず今日もブログを書いていこうかな。
私は適応障害について書くことが多いのです
が、私のブログに遊びに来てくださる方は
何らかの形で適応障害に関わっている
方なのではないでしょうか。
自分自身が適応障害だったり、
家族や友達が適応障害だったり…。
適応障害って、目に見えない病気ですよね。
なので、なかなか理解してもらえなかったり
辛さに気づいてもらえないことも多いはず。
症状も人によって全然違います。
私は、適応障害になった今も、
仕事をしていた時と変わらず
ブログをできるだけ毎日書いています。
動画編集の勉強でYouTube投稿をしてみたり、
ランサーズやクラウドワークスで
仕事を受注してみたりすることもあります。
そんなことをしていると、
「布団で休んだら？」
「そんなことしてると治らないよ？」
と言われることが多くなったような…。
でも、何かをしていないと落ち着かない私。
今自分がそういったことに取り組めているから
こそなんとなく安心感があるし、
自己肯定感の低い私だけれど、少しだけ
自分偉いぞ、と思えます☺☺
「今日は何もしない！絶対休む！！」
と決めても結局PCの電源を押したくなるし、
何もしなかった日は、
むしろちょっとだけ罪悪感があって…。
今日1日、自分何してたんだろう、と
思ってしまうんです。
心の病気になると、なんとなく
家に引きこもるイメージがあると思いますが、
症状は人によってバラバラ。
ベッドで1日過ごす人もいれば外出する人も
いるし、誰とも会いたくない人もいれば
友達たくさん遊びたい人もいる。
全く動けない人もいれば、行動的な人もいる。
私は外出もするし、たまに友達と遊ぶし、
勉強もするし、PCに向かうし、本も読むし、
カフェにも行くし、家事もする。
こんな生活をブログに上げているからか、
「本当に精神疾患があるの？？」
と心のどこかで思っている人もいますよね笑。
自分でも、実は病気じゃないかもって
思ったり…笑。
でも、仕事や病気のことを話そうとすると
涙がたくさん出てくるし、
自分の将来の事を考えると吐き気がする。
誰かと会う日は緊張して気持ち悪くなったり
貧血を起こしそうになる。
そんなとき、自分でも気づかないほどの奥底で
きっとしんどいんだろうな、って思います。
なので、悪い言い方をするとネットで調べると
すぐに出てくるような「ザ・適応障害患者」も
普通に生活しているように見える「隠れ適応
障害患者」も、同じ患者であることは
変わりがないんですよね…！
毎日の過ごし方が違うだけで、
同じように心の病気を患っています。
一度、けっこう傷ついたときがあって…。
簡単に言うと、お仕事を休んだ日に
先輩Aさんが「towaちゃん逃げたな～！」と
仕事場で言っていたそうで、、
Aさんはかなりベテランの方で、
私は特に関わることが多かったせいか
とても信頼していました。
実は、私が休んだ日は会議があって、
私はプレゼンをすることになっていたんです。
そんな日に休んでしまったのは
本当に申し訳なかったです。
ただ、資料作りもチェックなどをしてくれて
いたのはAさんだったので、私の代わりに
プレゼンしてくれたのかと思いきや、
全く違う先輩Bさんがプレゼンを…。
Bさんはとても仲の良い先輩で、
私が休んだ次の日に謝罪に行くと、
「towaちゃん、昨日は散々だったよ～」と
昨日の出来事を教えてくれました。
そこで、Aさんにプレゼンするように
押し付けられたことや、Aさんが私のことを
“逃げた”と周りに聞こえるように
発言していたことを知りました。
信頼していた先輩だったので、
本当に悲しかったのを覚えています…。
Aさんに休んでしまったことを謝りに行くと、
「大丈夫！Ｂさんがやってくれたから！笑」と
言われ、いや、そういう問題じゃなくない？
と思いました。笑
AさんはBさんの先輩でもあるので、
Ｂさんはきっと断れなかったんだろう…。
迷惑をかけてしまって
本当に申し訳なかったです、、泣。
なんだか話が逸れてしまいましたが、
目に見えない病気と付き合うのって難しいし
症状は人それぞれだよね、と言いたかった笑。
さてっ、そろそろ帰ろうと思います☺☺
今日はハンバーグにします。
1週間に1回は作ってる気がする…笑。
さてさて、今日はこのへんで！
生理痛もどっしり重たいので、
ゆっくり過ごそうと思います♪
ではまた～☺☺
コメント
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