こんにちは！
towaです。
さてさて、今日も頑張っていきたいところ
なのですが、生理前ということもあって
集中力が壊滅状態です笑。
いつもよりちょっぴり高いカフェに行って
気分を上げていこうと思います。
（冷房ガンガンで寒い・・・）
適応障害と診断されてから
約2ヶ月ほど経ちました。
診断を受けてから、精神病についてスマホや
本などでいろいろと調べていたのですが、
適応障害やうつ病を患っている人に対して
「不幸だ」という印象を持っている方や、
患っている人自身が「不幸だ」と思っている
ことがとっても多い気がしていて・・・。
みなさんはどうですか？？
私は、あまり自分が不幸だとは
思っていないんですよね。
ただ、不運だったな、とは思います。
少し話がそれてしまうのですが、
先日初めて「アダルトチルドレン」という
言葉を知りました。
アダルトチルドレンというのは、
小さいころに親との関係でなんらかの
トラウマを抱え、そのまま成長した大人
という意味だそうです。
トラウマの例としては、
アルコール依存症
ギャンブル依存症
薬物依存症
といった親の元で育つことや、
虐待やネグレクト
家族同士の不仲
生活貧困
子どもへの過剰な期待
など、いろいろあるみたいです。
私は両親が不仲だったので、空気が
壊れないようにいつも笑顔でいました。
やばい空気になりそうなときは
面白いことを言って笑わせたり・・・。
お父さん、お母さんからお互いに対する
グチを聴くこともありました。
空気を読む力はピカイチだと思います笑。
そんな「いい子」に育った私は、いつしか
父から過剰な期待をされ続けるようになり、
ある程度成長してからは
「あんなにいい子だったのに
なんでこんなのも出来ないの？」
「towaちゃんはこんな子じゃなかった。」
と言われることもありました。
今は休職中ですが、とても怖くて
打ち明けられていません。
そんな風に生きてきた自分に
ずっと違和感があったのですが、
アダルトチルドレンという言葉を知って
あ、これか～。と思いました。
大人になってやっと親元を離れることが
できたと思いきや、ブラック企業にあたり
短期離職。
その後ホワイト企業に転職できたものの、
今度は適応障害になり会社に行けず・・・。
うまくいかないな～と思うばかりです笑。
ですが、私はそんな自分を
“不運だ”とは思いますが
“不幸だ”とは思いません。
望んでこの両親の元に生まれたわけでは
ないので、性格が曲がったのは
自分のせいではありません。
会社を辞めたいのも、自分のせいではない！
（と思うようにしている笑）
ただ、運が悪かっただけ☺
その考え方をしてからは、
「自分ではどうしようもなかったことだから
しょうがないよね、運が悪かったわ～」
と思うように・・・笑。
私は日本で生きづらいと感じますが、
それと同じくらい、日本が好きです！
この国で働くことは本当に向いていないです
が、食べものは美味しいし人は優しいし
戦争も起きないし本当に穏やか。
家庭環境や自分の性格は不運でしたが、
日本に生まれて幸運でした！笑
逆に、働くことさえなんとかすれば
もうこっちのものです。
それがいちばん難しいのですが・・・笑。
日本に生まれたこと以外は
いろいろと不運だった私ですが、
自分が大事にしたいなと思う人や
自分の好きな音楽や食べものに出逢えて
とっても幸せだな、と思います☺
そんな感じで、
私は、不運と不幸を別物として考えることで
ちょっとだけ生きやすくなりました♡
精神病って本当に辛くて、
「もしこの世から消えることができたら
どんなに楽になるだろう」
と、ぼんやり考えてしまうこともあります。
自分が好きなもの、自分が好きなことすらも
忘れてしまうんですよね。
私はコスメが好きで、YouTubeでメイク動画
を見たり新しいコスメを買うのが好きだった
のですが、今では全くしなくなりました。
ですが、そんな中でもかろうじて
好きなままだった人や物を、たくさん愛して
幸せを嚙みしめようと思います☺
不運だけど不幸ではない！
もっともっと幸せになれるように
頑張るぞ～！
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