【Day.4】3ヵ月間のニート生活と今の仕事について考えた日/適応障害の日常

こんにちは。

towaです。

さて、今日も勉強をしていきましょう!

とその前に、
今日は何をするか決めていきます。

私は気分屋なので
やりたい勉強もコロコロ変化。


「明日はこれを勉強するぞ!」ではなく、
「今日はこれを勉強するぞ!」でもなく、
カフェに着いてからやっと
「今から何を勉強しようかな~」
と考えます。

朝はTOEICの気分だったとしても、
カフェに着いたときには
「やっぱり簿記がやりたい!」
なんてことも多い私。

参考書はできるだけいろんな
ジャンルのものを持って行きます。

どうしても荷物が増えてしまうのが
ずっと悩みです笑。

今日は、プログラミングをメインに
学んでいこうと思います。

そろそろ資料まとめを終わらせて
がっつり演習をしたい・・・。

みなさんは、勉強するときは
音楽を聴いたりする派ですか?

私は、いつもYouTubeの
勉強動画を見ながら勉強しています。

一緒に勉強を頑張っているような気がして
捗ります☺☺

ありがとうYouTube。

「Day.3」では、新卒で入社した会社を
辞めたときのことを振り返ってみました。

私は、会社を辞める前に転職先を
見つけていたわけではなかったので、
少しの間ニート生活を送っていました。

まさに休職中の今と同じような生活です。

たくさん寝て、しっかりごはんを食べ、
お気に入りの服を着て、
毎日カフェで勉強していました。

お仕事をしていたときとは真逆で、
毎日わくわくしていたのを
今でも覚えています☺☺

そんなある日、スマホを見ていた
「一週間も休めば仕事に行きたくなる」
という記事を見つけました。

“こんなに楽しいのに、
そんなこともあるんだなぁ。”

そう思いながら毎日過ごしていたのですが、
結局行きたくなる日は来ませんでした笑。
何週間休んでも毎日が楽しくて楽しくて、
朝を迎えるのが嬉しかったです。

ただ、少しずつ無くなっていく貯金・・・。

重い腰を上げ、仕方なく就職活動をして
今の会社に入社しました。

転職活動は大成功で、
なんとなんと「ホワイト企業」。

いい先輩に囲まれていて、
ほぼ定時に退社できて、
休日はほぼ土日休み。

残業代は1分単位で支払われ、
給料は大幅にアップ。

職場までは電車で一本で
乗り換えも不要。

とっても素敵な環境にですよね☺

でも、なぜか
「辞めたい」と思ってしまうのです・・・。

ここでやっと気づきました。

私は社会不適合者なんだ、と。

どんなに恵まれた環境であったとしても、
“会社”、”組織”、”労働”そのものが
向いていないから辞めたくなるんだ。

社会不適合者というものが「甘え」だと
言われてしまえばそれまでですが、
生きるために必要不可欠な”仕事”が
こんなにも向いていないとは・・・。

そして、仕事の前に、
早寝早起きにすら普通の人の何倍も
体力と精神力を使うことがわかりました。

自分で自分に驚きました笑。

これからどうしたらいいのかわからない
もどかしさや戸惑い、不安が押し寄せます。

普通に働ける人がうらやましいなぁ。

平日に一歩外に出ると、みんな
当たり前のように会社へ向かっています。

それが、どんなにすごいことか。

辛さに耐えられるのはなぜだろう??

わがままで、自己中で、
マイペースで、自由人で。

そんな自分じゃなければ、
みんなみたいに普通に
生きることができたのかな。

ずっとそう思っています。

でも、どうしても
「自分らしく自由でいたい」という
思いは変えられない・・・。

その気持ちが、
私の今の原動力となっています。

そんなことを思い出しながら
プログラミングを勉強・・・。

そんな中、スマホの使い方がわからず
困っているおばさんが隣の席へ・・・。

スマホの使い方講座の開催です笑。

無事にやりたいことができたみたいなので、
私もひと安心♡

この女性、とても良い方で
とスコーンをごちそうしてくださいました♡

ちょうどお腹が空いていて何か食べようかと
思っていたところだったので、
とっても嬉しかったです。

おかげで、そのあともプログラミングの
勉強を頑張ることができました♡

資料作りもいったんきりが良くなったので、
無印良品でファイルとリフィルを購入。

家に帰って早速閉じてみたのですが、
あれ、横幅が足りない・・・。

同じサイズであっても、ルーズリーフ用と
クリアポケット用のファイルとでは
少しだけ横幅が違うんですね・・・。

よく考えればわかることなのに、
まったく気づきませんでした・・・笑。

まあこんな日もありますよね。

気を取り直して、
ごはんの準備をしていきます。

彼はいつも美味しい!と言って
食べてくれるので、
私もとっても嬉しいです。

おなかが満たされると幸せですね♡

今日も一日お疲れさまでした。

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